Toronto – Margaret Atwood Lost
Yesterday, noted literary icon Margaret Atwood vanished.
“She was there just last night,” sobbed Eatoin Shrdlu, president of her fan club. “Then a councillor from the City of Toronto said they didn’t know who she was, and had never met her.”
Police representatives said they were certainly interested, but Ms. Shrdlu should go home and stop all crying up in the waiting area.
Toronto – New Library Construction Announced
The City of Toronto was proud to announce in a press conference today that eight new libraries were to be built in the next three years.
“We are happy to say that previous cuts considered have been dropped,” stated Kent Furd, attached to the Mayor’s Office. “Thanks to our bold reimagining of the library system, we are able to expand, showing our commitment to education.”
The new libraries will be built next to the following subway stations as part of the new EZ-Access ™ program:
McDernald’s Royal York, Broadview of Froyurt, Bathurst Wurst, North York Caramalk Centre, Wilson Tennis Shoes, Kennedy Shop Now On Kennedy, The Avenue of Value Sponsored by the Kennedy Road BIA, SONEE Union Station, and Yonge at Heart. To keep gravy levels down, all new libraries will be named exactly the same to save on stationery and legal costs.
Toronto – Machismo Contest Means We All Win
City Hall held the first ever “Show You’re A Toronto MAN” pageant outside Metro Hall today. Contestants were judged on the following criteria:
- blind gravy race
- spot the low-hanging debt
- most convincing presentation of “facts”
- cellphone and shadow puppet car rally race
- Speedo wearing
To no one’s surprise, our esteemed Mayor took first place. He was unavailable to the press because of “It’s none of your beeswax, buddy,” but Zam Fjord, attached to the Mayor’s Office, had the following comment to make.
“We are proud of our Mayor for winning this year’s pageant, and wish to offer our congratulations to the second and third place winners, Mr. Parkdale and Mel Lastman.”