On Being a Stagewhore

So I’m a very irregular user of Stage32, and a very regular user of Twitter.

Early this morning, I was browsing Twitter and I saw some kerfuffle over a user complaining about their Stage32 account being locked for spam, and the CEO for Stage32 saying they had a “zero spam tolerance”.

So I applauded Stage32, and kept going to bed. Then tonight I logged into my Stage32 profile, and lo, the user who was involved in said kerfuffle had indeed asked to join my network, and I accepted, and there he and I were.

What did he do? Something that thousands upon hundreds of thousands creatives do, which was to send out a YouTube link to their latest project to a lot of people.

I sat there, thought about it, and then removed our network link.

What a heartless prick you are, you are doubtless saying. And I felt that way for a second. But then I remembered the lessons of Scott Stratten (@unmarketing), one of which is mindless blind engagement with people is a bad thing. (Or at least, that’s the way I interpreted one of his lessons.)

I mean, yes, the creative arts are all about banding together against a climate that underfunds, underappreciates, homogenizes. If you want to do work you care about, you have to be strong, and strength is definitely better in numbers.

But that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to retweet or otherwise socially promote stuff from a total stranger who hasn’t done any ground work to show they are interested in my dreams.

But OMYGOD, what if you lose out on a major project because of your antisocial attitude? Well. First of all, the dude was in LA, second of all, he has plenty of colleagues out there who he can contact first (and has probably done some groundwork with first), and finally, I prefer starting my show biz networks personally.

Not that I’m going to be an angry guy on Stage32 blocking and refusing network requests everywhere. But I’m not going to blindly help out someone else’s project.

If that’s selfish…well, my projects take up a lot of my energy too. And I would never want to have them blindly promoted in a quid pro quo type arrangement. So it’s unlikely me and anyone who likes blind scatter promotions would get along well.

But yeah. Pavlov’s Tweeps. Someone you think is in your tribe tweets something and you blindly share it out there. I’m going to apply more critical thinking to ALL my social networking from now on.

Maybe you are stuck in a dead-end job with no hope of advancement. Maybe you have no urges except those to drink beers or vodka coolers and pick up hot looking people, but these things cost money.

Does champagne tastes on a beer budget sound like something a really accurate fortune teller might tell you about your financial spending? Then why not become a SOCIAL MEDIA CURATOR?

“But,” you say to me, “what about all those other neat-sounding social media titles that sound great, but don’t seem to mean much? Like SEO Grandmaster, or ROI Ninja, or Phantom Linker of Traffic?”

You’re right, those are all neat-sounding titles! And in our next post, we’ll explain how you can become all of them, and why our approach will lead to success when others you tried have failed (for only pennies a day), but first let’s focus on making you a SOCIAL MEDIA CURATOR FOR THE PRICE OF A REALLY GOOD CUP OF CAPPUCINO A DAY.

Sound good? Then let’s look at the first steps.

What is a social media curator? You are, even though you might not know it. When you retweet a tweet, you are curating it. When you share a humorous photo of a kitten, you are curating it.

“Well,” you are now saying, “no offense, but it looks like you are giving away the store here.”

Really? Are you making SO MUCH MONEY by doing this that you have a PLATINUM PEN for your racing greyhound stable? Hmm? No? Because I do.

More interested now? Then let’s go on.

It’s not just enough to retweet or share something and then lie back and watch Netflix while cramming cheddar corn down your mouth. With our PROVEN MONEY-MAKING SYSTEM, you will be given the keys to an unbelievable lifestyle. And once you embrace our system into your life, you will be watching first-run Hollywood movies in your private theatre while your private chef Randy makes fresh cheddar corn in your private theatre lobby.

Key 1: SpellMasterCurator. This key will analyze any text you want to curate, and make sure it is in ezCuratedEnglish (TM, Pat. Pend.). This key can take Einstein and make him sound like Dane Cook.

Key 2: PornOut!Curator. This key will analyze anything you want to curate, and filter out pornography. If this key finds some particularly disgusting examples, they are sent to our offices, where I review everything personally for future action. (Note: This key is optional.)

Key 3: BotBotBotCurator. This key allows you to create your own bots (short for Beautiful Online Transmitters of Sexiness) to help you curate the content you want to share everywhere you can, as well as adding a helpful advertising link to help all those people reading your work who want to “tip” you for your great service!

Key 4: AdsCurator: This key searches out advertisers who have products that are the most compatible with the content you are curating, and adds in little pixels that let them track who is reading your curated content and send you a monthly check that can really add up in a year!

Platinum subscribers can get the following special key for the low cost of only three really good cappuccinos a day¹. ¹(On top of the one you are already paying for the base system).

Key 5: The Endless Fountain of Money Key. Obviously we can’t say too much about this key if you’re not paying for the system, but here is a phrase that should both excite and thrill you:
Self-published coffee books of your best curated content

Don’t delay! Every second you send out free content that you haven’t created, you are losing money! With our system, you need never push that retweet button again without getting enough money to fulfill your dreams!

For information, send $200 to SocMedCur@$$$$$DOUGH.CURATE.MONEY.KEYS.RIGHT!NOW.ARPA.NETNET#port:-9000 Once your PayPal donation clears, we will be in touch for you to start on the path to WEALTH with only a few mouse clicks a day!

Ladies! Did you view this Kardashian marriage debacle with disgust? Distaste? Are you currently single, and saying to yourself, “I could do way better than that?”

Well, here is your chance! For a limited time, I am offering myself up as marriage material!

Here’s what I can give you:

1) Glamour. I’m a high roller in such places as the second floor of the Black Swan, and the Gladstone, although the latter doesn’t know that yet.

2) Sports. Just for you, I will take up basketball on the XBox Live 360.

3) A media blitz. I have a camera capable of recording at 720p in full monophonic sound. And a working YouTube account.

4) Good looks. Just check this out.

5) Social media blitz. In tandem with 4) and 3), I have both a Facebook and a Twitter account. With your followers combined with mine, we could reach up to 500 plus your followers in our multimedia courtship and subsequent taped marriage!

(Total number may be less than 500 since my Twitter followers fluctuate daily. Plus I think some of them are bots. Or following me by mistake. Or both.)

6) Rubbing Kim’s Face in it. $22 million and 72 days? Amateur! I say we can do it for $220 and 7.2 days! Ha! What do your Hollywood credentials and intriguing fashion lines have to say about THAT, Kim?

Serious inquiries only.

Indeed I do, as do most of you reading this. If you do not, my condolences, unless you are happy with the situation.

That should send that all-important stock price through the roof.

Sincerely,

Horton

I suppose I could say more about why I like cheese. But why bother? All I am doing is attempting to artificially raise a share price which itself is based on fantasy.

Some days I feel I should get out of the amanuensis career.

Sincerely,

Horton

I was charged with maintaining an Empire Avenue stock price, but to do that, I first had to determine what Empire Avenue was. As an amanuensis, I am asked to perform various and sundry duties for my employers. Research has become a key player in many of my jobs.

After looking through my pocket edition of the 2000 Encyclopedia Brittanica, it became clear that this “Empire Avenue” was a bit more modern, and I would need to use online methodology. I turned to “Google” and quickly found information on “Empire Avenue”. I then proceeded to look at it on “the web”.

My first view was “Buy and sell your friends”. A shiver ran along my spine. Legalised slavery in this day and age? At the click of a button on a mouse?

Further investigation, however, showed me that it was set up more like a commodities market. You could buy and sell shares in your friends, and vice-versa. Some of the prices were quite high, and I began to marvel at the number of multi-millionaires found online.

Further investigation, however, showed me that real currency was not being exchanged, but some kind of fake money. But what was backing up this fake money? For years, the gold standard served to give faith in real currency. What could possibly serve in the “web” to back up these imaginary numbers?

As it turns out, it is your own blood, sweat, and tears. By typing away on “Facebook”, “Twitter”, “YouTube”, “LinkedIn”, “Flickr”, and something called “blog”, you could generate higher numbers on your own “shares”. By doing this, people who like people who type a lot will buy shares in you, creating a mighty investing circle the likes of which Wall Street would envy.

And with your shares being so high, you can then use that in the real world to…well, that’s where I failed to understand the purpose. Are they to be used to state your position is superior to someone else’s? “Hello, my share price is $82.50 and yours is $41.92, I am afraid we cannot be friends any more.”

So it looks like to maintain a high share price as an amanuensis, all I have to do is type away mindlessly in this “blog”.

The things I must do as part of my profession.

Sincerely,

Horton