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Let’s Take A Chomp On Crime: In The News Today 2011/08/11

August 11th, 2011 No comments

Toronto, Ottawa — In a refreshing approach to the problems of the poor, all three levels of government jointly announced a “Canada — Tough on Crime” initiative.

“We planned building super jails in anticipation of this new era,” said the Prime Minister to a cheering crowd. “Leftist elements who overemphasize numbers will tell you crime rates are down, but look in your hearts and ask yourselves if these softies know the full story.” He continued, “Rest assured, we are not wasting taxpayer money here. We plan to introduce legislation that makes many more things illegal.”

Tim Hudak added these comments. “Yes, I’m not ‘officially’ elected yet, but I mean come on. Anyway, my chain gangs will both do valuable work like cleaning highway shoulders, laying sand over tar, and watching nubile women wash their cars. It will give the taxpayers real value for their money.”

Ken Furd, attached to The Mayor’s Office, stated, “The squegee kids are gone, next the homeless, then we’ll have a look at people who complain a lot and don’t pay taxes and create jobs.”

The “Canada — Tough on Crime” initiative will be launched soon by a police representative at your front door.

A Q&A In The News Today: 2011/08/08

August 8th, 2011 No comments

Toronto — QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS PERIOD

In an exclusive interview, this reporter got to speak with a representative from the Mayor’s Office about some pressing issues out there today.

In The News Today: First of all, let me thank you for taking the time to speak with us.

Mayor’s Office: Sure, pally. Just keep it quick.

ITNT: People in Toronto have never been so vocal about their mayor. The attendance at the recent meeting in City Hall showed this. What are you doing to create this level of participation?

MO: First of all, the era of blank cheques is over, and the gravy train is derailed. Tax and spend is a thing of the past.

ITNT: That’s really great. What are you recommending be cut as part of the services review you recently commissioned?

MO: We wouldn’t know Margaret Atwood if she delivered us a pizza. As for libraries, they are really sucking down the old tax dollars.

ITNT: So libraries are definitely going to be cut?

MO: We can’t say anything definite at this time.

ITNT: Some critics say that removing sources of revenue like the vehicle registration fee is ultimately going to wind up hurting the city rather than helping it. How do you respond to that?

MO: I see more Tim Hortons stores in my neighbourhood than libraries. Doesn’t that tell you something?

ITNT: I love your command of political geography. How are you planning to address infrastructure challenges like roads, sewers, and public transit, which are big ticket, hard decision areas for the Mayor’s Office?

MO: The left has to learn they’ve had their fun, dragged the city down, and now the adults are in charge. You can either be out there creating jobs and paying taxes, or you can be a loony lefty and complain about every pothole in the city.

ITNT: So true, so true. Thank you for your time.

MO: Yeah, yeah, I got a football game to coach, get out of here.

This should silence critics who say there is a “blast door” between them and the Mayor’s Office.

Education Edition: In The News 2011/08/06

August 6th, 2011 No comments

Toronto — Books, Schnooks

In a gratifying show of solidarity, all three levels of government (municipal, provincial, and federal) today announced that libraries will no longer offer books.

“Books are things of a bygone age,” smiled Theo Brien, adjunct to the Harper Government Ministry of Science. “Are we still riding horses? Wearing vests and spats? No. So why are we still using books?”

All libraries will have their books removed. The books will be stored in some warehouses before being shipped overseas to some more primitive societies.

“We’re excited about the new kiosk plan going in place in Library 2.0,” stated Angela Bupkiss, Senior Adviser to the Provincial Ministry of Gambling and Entertainment.

Basically, the new kiosks will deliver approved reading material to anyone with a compatible e-reader for only $4.99 per book. Refreshment kiosks will dispense coffee beverages and potato chips. Gambling kiosks will allow knowledge seekers over the age of 18 to play video poker or electronic slots.

“I’d like to see Margaret Atwood come up with a win-win education plan like this,” stated Ken Furd, part of the Mayor’s taskforce on “Not To Haves”. “If these loony lefties showed business sense like this, maybe we’d listen to them more often.”

In The News Today: 2011/08/04 Special Anti-Communist Edition

August 4th, 2011 No comments

Toronto — The Colour Pink

In a disgraceful display of bad manners and poor geography skills, Mad Vaughan rudely questioned an internationally renowned consulting firm on a private transit system in another country..

Anvil and Stoat, known for their quality of consulting wherever needed, were tasked by The Mayor to identify where the puddles of gravy were forming and to identify areas of savings. Anvil and Stoat were asked to categorize their suggested cuts into one of the three following areas:

  • Need to have
  • Nice to have
  • Would make a lefty scream for days if it was cut

After presenting their “recommendations” to the Office of The Mayor, the leftist laws enacted just after the Family Compact was overthrown by the NDP Shadow Court meant that these recommendations also had to be discussed with city councilors.

“We respect democracy,” said The Mayor earlier. “We just wish it would hurry up when there is no need for it.”

Mad Vaughan berated the poor trio from Anvil and Stoat for three whole minutes.

“Frankly, it was one of the most disrespectful things I’ve ever seen in a council meeting,” commented an anonymous councilor who was just heading off to Toronto Island before being caught by this reporter. “And another thing, Mad Vaughan’s math is all wrong. Doesn’t he know Australian money is different than Canadian money?”

“Thirty percent over budget sounds like a big number,” explained Peter Long, chief accountant. “But really, if you factor in deprecation costs, the exchange rate, the size of Melbourne, the average number of car drivers in Melbourne, the number of solar flares over the term of the Melbourne contract and their effect on their bus service…look, I don’t have time to explain it all to you in terms a layman can understand, but that thirty percent is actually thirty percent savings when you do a full analysis.”

Mad Vaughan simply stated he would stand by his words. Typical of what the left wing will do to hold onto whatever power they still have.

In The News Today: 2011/08/03 Special Fashion Edition

August 3rd, 2011 No comments

Toronto — Mayor Comes Out A’Pouncin’!

At a recent BBQ luncheon held to honour our Federal Minister of Money Disbursement to Good Ridings, the Mayor of Toronto came out with both fashion engines blazing in high gear as he debuted a hot new fashion trend for men, the gull wing collar!

“The Mayor wanted to show our rulers from Ottawa that Toronto is a world-class city,” explained Zam Fjord, currently assigned to media relations. “And what better way than showing off a brand new style that, frankly, beats anything those fashion elites in Paris have ever made!”

The arching sweep of the gull wing collar is both bold but traditional, evoking images of sports cars and duck tail hairdos of the fifties.

“I love it!” exclaimed Hannah LeBlanc, fashion editor for Conservatives Wear Clothes! “It makes the Mayor look twenty years younger, like a university undergraduate!”

Already some of the young rakes in our fair city can be seen wearing this new fashion, making the hearts of young female conservatives beat just a little faster.

“Don’t tell anyone,” said Brad Manleigh, leader of the Young Conservatives for a Conservative Empire, “but I’m planning to wear a two-toned model at our next local chapter garden party.”

Oops, Brad! You never said “off the record”! I guess next time, you’ll know better!

Weekend Edition: In The News 2011/08/01

August 1st, 2011 No comments

Let’s Call a Spade a Spade –National News, Canada

Following the stunning success of Stephen Harper of rebranding the Government of Canada as the Harper Government,  other levels of government in Ontario have been looking at doing the same thing.

Not only does it help Canada move into a century where everything done is to help your personal brand, but the cost savings realized by not having to print a Canadian flag on official correspondence would be significant.

“It’s not an ego thing,” states Brad Barrel, spokesman for the public relations arm of the Harper Government. “It’s a standard thing that has been going on in Canadian politics since Confederation, just like proroguing Parliament and ignoring misguided contempt of Parliament rulings.”

Dalton McGuinty said he was thinking of changing to The McGuinty Government of Ontario, while Tim Hudak said, if elected, he would save money by using the Federal standard already established while adding a provincial twist. “I think the Hudak Government would be a start, but I sort of like the idea of tying it all together by calling it the Hudak Government of Conservatives at All Levels of Canadian Government In Solidarity.”

Meanwhile, the Mayor of Toronto is not standing idly by. Kent Furd (now specially attached to the public relations branch of the Mayor’s Office) said the city is exploring several options.

“We’ve been kicking some ideas around,” he said. “Our favourite right now is Ford’s Nation Government, but we continue to brainstorm on the best way to rename the government while not adding gravy.”

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In The News Today: 2011/07/29

July 29th, 2011 No comments

Toronto — Democracy Triumphant

The 22 hour meeting at City Hall shows that democracy is alive and well in old Toronto!

Deputants were given five, then three minutes to speak on the overwhelmingly complex set of issues that are going to be chopped by Toronto in the fall.

“We were going to go for only allowing thirty seconds,” said Zam Fjord (attached to the Mayor’s Office), “but some idiot let some news reporters in.”

“Zam is very tired and needs to go for a long nap,” stated Alistair Cumings (nee Furd). “What he meant to say is that due to our love of the media, we overinvited print and T.V. journalists and so they had to be restricted in the time they had to speak.”

Members of Ford’s Nation stayed home, confident that doing so would not change anything already determined prior to this historic event.

“Nice to haves will still be taken out,” a press release from the Mayor’s Office stated. “But due to this meeting, we are going to prefix each cut with the phrase We are sorry we had to cut, and then sign the name of the person we’re apologizing to at the end. This Mayor respects democracy!”

In The News Today: 2011/07/28

July 28th, 2011 No comments

Toronto — Citizens’ Voices Heard

Citizen participation in the growth of this city will be glorified at an all day session where anyone can speak for five minutes.

“Pinkos, lefties, wackos, gravy suckers, pinheads, criminals, cosplayers, and other creeps are all welcome,” states Kent Furd, attached to the Mayor’s Office. “And, of course, members of Ford’s Nation are especially welcome. We just remind them to speak at the microphone on their right.”

Proceedings will be taped, and the tapes will then be moved to a secure vault in the basement at City Hall, where the Mayor can view them any time he wants to.

In The News Today: 2011/07/27

July 27th, 2011 No comments

Toronto — Margaret Atwood Lost

Yesterday, noted literary icon Margaret Atwood vanished.

“She was there just last night,” sobbed Eatoin Shrdlu, president of her fan club. “Then a councillor from the City of Toronto said they didn’t know who she was, and had never met her.”

Police representatives said they were certainly interested, but Ms. Shrdlu should go home and stop all crying up in the waiting area.

Toronto — New Library Construction Announced

The City of Toronto was proud to announce in a press conference today that eight new libraries were to be built in the next three years.

“We are happy to say that previous cuts considered have been dropped,” stated Kent Furd, attached to the Mayor’s Office. “Thanks to our bold reimagining of the library system, we are able to expand, showing our commitment to education.”

The new libraries will be built next to the following subway stations as part of the new EZ-Access ™ program:

McDernald’s Royal York, Broadview of Froyurt, Bathurst Wurst, North York Caramalk Centre, Wilson Tennis Shoes, Kennedy Shop Now On Kennedy, The Avenue of Value Sponsored by the Kennedy Road BIA, SONEE Union Station, and Yonge at Heart. To keep gravy levels down, all new libraries will be named exactly the same to save on stationery and legal costs.

Toronto — Machismo Contest Means We All Win

City Hall held the first ever “Show You’re A Toronto MAN” pageant outside Metro Hall today. Contestants were judged on the following criteria:

– blind gravy race
– spot the low-hanging debt
– most convincing presentation of “facts”
– cellphone and shadow puppet car rally race
– Speedo wearing

To no one’s surprise, our esteemed Mayor took first place. He was unavailable to the press because of “It’s none of your beeswax, buddy,” but Zam Fjord, attached to the Mayor’s Office, had the following comment to make.

“We are proud of our Mayor for winning this year’s pageant, and wish to offer our congratulations to the second and third place winners, Mr. Parkdale and Mel Lastman.”