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Posts Tagged ‘Horton’

The BBS Twitter

February 28th, 2012 No comments

I confess, I am an older man, and do not understand much about wireless, PayPal, SSL, and all that.

But I do understand The BBS Twitter.

Let me tell you a story about my youth. I was down the hill from my house, walking beside the creek, on a hot summer day. I was looking for tadpoles. A small carton of milk was warming up beside a cheese sandwich that was wilting inside a wrinkled brown paper bag in my one hand while I carried a clean glass jar with lid in my other hand.

Suddenly, across the creek, I saw Scott, the neighbour’s boy. He wasn’t my friend, but we did play together. He had a small tree branch in one hand.

“Hey,” he yelled across the creek. “What are you doing?”

“Looking for tadpoles! You?”

He held up the branch. “I got two caterpillars!”

“Great!” Just then, his mother called.

“I gotta go!”

“Ok, see you later!” And he left.

That was not The BBS Twitter.

Imagine instead he yelled across to me, then someone else yelled about how their car had just broken down, then one person followed by 45,654 other people showed up, and the one person said “At the Oscars,” and 45,654 people then said “At the Oscars” all after each other, and then a man holding up a semi-nude picture of a twenty-five year old woman in front of his face showed up and said “Tadpoles? http://www.tadpoles.null/ufj65aj.”

That would not be The BBS Twitter.

Instead of being outside, you are in a basement in front of a glowing screen, and all these things happen and you have cheese puffs, not a cheese sandwich, and a warm soda, not warm milk, and you have pale skin and no glass jar and all you do is stare at the screen and occasionally move your mouse to click “retweet”.

That is almost The BBS Twitter.

Call me an old man, but I miss that creek down the hill in the summer sunshine.

Categories: Guest Post Tags: ,

I Have Two Feet

October 11th, 2011 No comments

Indeed I do, as do most of you reading this. If you do not, my condolences, unless you are happy with the situation.

That should send that all-important stock price through the roof.

Sincerely,

Horton

I Like Cheese

October 10th, 2011 No comments

I suppose I could say more about why I like cheese. But why bother? All I am doing is attempting to artificially raise a share price which itself is based on fantasy.

Some days I feel I should get out of the amanuensis career.

Sincerely,

Horton

What is Empire Avenue?

October 9th, 2011 No comments

I was charged with maintaining an Empire Avenue stock price, but to do that, I first had to determine what Empire Avenue was. As an amanuensis, I am asked to perform various and sundry duties for my employers. Research has become a key player in many of my jobs.

After looking through my pocket edition of the 2000 Encyclopedia Brittanica, it became clear that this “Empire Avenue” was a bit more modern, and I would need to use online methodology. I turned to “Google” and quickly found information on “Empire Avenue”. I then proceeded to look at it on “the web”.

My first view was “Buy and sell your friends”. A shiver ran along my spine. Legalised slavery in this day and age? At the click of a button on a mouse?

Further investigation, however, showed me that it was set up more like a commodities market. You could buy and sell shares in your friends, and vice-versa. Some of the prices were quite high, and I began to marvel at the number of multi-millionaires found online.

Further investigation, however, showed me that real currency was not being exchanged, but some kind of fake money. But what was backing up this fake money? For years, the gold standard served to give faith in real currency. What could possibly serve in the “web” to back up these imaginary numbers?

As it turns out, it is your own blood, sweat, and tears. By typing away on “Facebook”, “Twitter”, “YouTube”, “LinkedIn”, “Flickr”, and something called “blog”, you could generate higher numbers on your own “shares”. By doing this, people who like people who type a lot will buy shares in you, creating a mighty investing circle the likes of which Wall Street would envy.

And with your shares being so high, you can then use that in the real world to…well, that’s where I failed to understand the purpose. Are they to be used to state your position is superior to someone else’s? “Hello, my share price is $82.50 and yours is $41.92, I am afraid we cannot be friends any more.”

So it looks like to maintain a high share price as an amanuensis, all I have to do is type away mindlessly in this “blog”.

The things I must do as part of my profession.

Sincerely,

Horton

Hello from a Professional Amanuensis (Guest Post)

September 19th, 2010 No comments

Hello. My name is Horton, and I am a professional amanuensis.

I realise the shocking state of public education prevalent in society today means that many of you will be reaching for your dictionaries at this point. I understand, but the word “amanuensis” is the only one that fully describes my vocation.

So why be an amanuensis? The satisfaction of being the “right-hand man”. The secret knowledge that, without your aid, the person you are helping would get lost on a subway car trying to find the exit. The fact that you can smoke their Cuban cigars while you are minding their house while they are away.

I can almost hear you young sparks now, with your urban patois. “Shee baby, I can dig it, it is all about the Benjamins, m I rite? LOL!”

Well, certainly compensation from material things is always welcome. But you are a monkey if you pursue a career solely for financial recompense. The true measure of job satisfaction is when your employer asks you which pair of black socks goes best with a black cummerbund.

Because at that point, you know he needs you to replace some of his brain functions, and hence, you are irreplaceable. Which coincidentally guarantees more Cuban cigars.

Categories: Guest Post Tags: ,