On Being a Stagewhore

Toronto, the Hollywood of the North –

In a stunning new development, I hereby renounce my creative endeavours for the following reasons:

• Does not pay well
• Too much competition
• Is not the best match to my core strengths of flirting with women and sleeping

However, I am also pleased as punch to announce my new career as Pitch Consultant. Do you know what that is? If you don’t, then you might very well need one.

Picture the following scenario: You, a brilliant writer, in Hollywood, the town where dreams are made, and shattered. Sometimes on the same day. Sometimes on the SAME HOUR.

You are a writer, not a professionally trained professional skilled in the arts of talking and fearlessly staring down producers who, frankly, eat little writers like you for breakfast.

What to do? Your script is golden, but every time you try to talk about it, your mouth freezes over and your tongue turns into a piece of sandpaper. The producers are there, staring at you in disbelief across the boardroom table. The executive producer’s cousin is next with their shoebox full of their poetry and receipts, which is going to get the GREEN LIGHT unless you do something.

But what?

Now imagine a different scenario. You are sucking down your third pina colada on a beach. An attractive person (or two?) is lying beside you, whispering interesting thoughts into your ear. And where is Hollywood? Thousands of miles away, which is where I am at the same time, growling at some Hollywood power brokers across a boardroom table. And when I leave that meeting, I grab that shoebox full of poetry and receipts and EAT IT.

That’s right.

When you want to take your writing career to the next level, you want me, Super Pitch Consultant. When you are tired of working for chump change, you want me, Super Pitch Consultant. When you want that beach so badly you can taste it, you want me, Super Pitch Consultant.

I will fight for your vision with the speed of thought and the brilliance of the sun. Look what I did in just one real-time Twitter pitch consult.

Miss L ProResting

Casting: ’5 friends live together: a Footballer, Model, Actor, Singer, & Socialite.’ In another dimension, groundbreaking TV is being made.

fatone

@ProResting You’re lucky to be in a country where experimental television like that is encouraged.

Miss L ProResting

@fatone haha! I know. It’s amazing how they just keep coming up with new ideas all the time.

fatone

@ProResting I know! I mean, a socialite. What a bold choice.

Miss L ProResting

@fatone it really is. And a model too.

fatone

@ProResting Just imagine the wacky hijinx/dramatic potential! (I stole that from their pitch document, yes, I’m that good.)

Miss L ProResting

@fatone wow. You ARE good.

That’s right. I am that good. And I can be that good for you. I will fight with the power of my soul for your vision. I will drag those Hollywood execs kicking and screaming into YOUR camp. I fear neither man nor beast.

Fire eyes for YOUR script!!!

Imagine those fiery eyes multiplied by 10,000 facing off against those who would deny your vision! And if the project involves sleeping or flirting with women, let’s call it 75,000 multiplied!

I will represent you professionally by dressing in the latest Hollywood fashions and using the latest Hollywood hair gel. I will stay in and fight for your script until I have to stop. I will bill you on a 30 day invoice.

Call now.

Maybe you are stuck in a dead-end job with no hope of advancement. Maybe you have no urges except those to drink beers or vodka coolers and pick up hot looking people, but these things cost money.

Does champagne tastes on a beer budget sound like something a really accurate fortune teller might tell you about your financial spending? Then why not become a SOCIAL MEDIA CURATOR?

“But,” you say to me, “what about all those other neat-sounding social media titles that sound great, but don’t seem to mean much? Like SEO Grandmaster, or ROI Ninja, or Phantom Linker of Traffic?”

You’re right, those are all neat-sounding titles! And in our next post, we’ll explain how you can become all of them, and why our approach will lead to success when others you tried have failed (for only pennies a day), but first let’s focus on making you a SOCIAL MEDIA CURATOR FOR THE PRICE OF A REALLY GOOD CUP OF CAPPUCINO A DAY.

Sound good? Then let’s look at the first steps.

What is a social media curator? You are, even though you might not know it. When you retweet a tweet, you are curating it. When you share a humorous photo of a kitten, you are curating it.

“Well,” you are now saying, “no offense, but it looks like you are giving away the store here.”

Really? Are you making SO MUCH MONEY by doing this that you have a PLATINUM PEN for your racing greyhound stable? Hmm? No? Because I do.

More interested now? Then let’s go on.

It’s not just enough to retweet or share something and then lie back and watch Netflix while cramming cheddar corn down your mouth. With our PROVEN MONEY-MAKING SYSTEM, you will be given the keys to an unbelievable lifestyle. And once you embrace our system into your life, you will be watching first-run Hollywood movies in your private theatre while your private chef Randy makes fresh cheddar corn in your private theatre lobby.

Key 1: SpellMasterCurator. This key will analyze any text you want to curate, and make sure it is in ezCuratedEnglish (TM, Pat. Pend.). This key can take Einstein and make him sound like Dane Cook.

Key 2: PornOut!Curator. This key will analyze anything you want to curate, and filter out pornography. If this key finds some particularly disgusting examples, they are sent to our offices, where I review everything personally for future action. (Note: This key is optional.)

Key 3: BotBotBotCurator. This key allows you to create your own bots (short for Beautiful Online Transmitters of Sexiness) to help you curate the content you want to share everywhere you can, as well as adding a helpful advertising link to help all those people reading your work who want to “tip” you for your great service!

Key 4: AdsCurator: This key searches out advertisers who have products that are the most compatible with the content you are curating, and adds in little pixels that let them track who is reading your curated content and send you a monthly check that can really add up in a year!

Platinum subscribers can get the following special key for the low cost of only three really good cappuccinos a day¹. ¹(On top of the one you are already paying for the base system).

Key 5: The Endless Fountain of Money Key. Obviously we can’t say too much about this key if you’re not paying for the system, but here is a phrase that should both excite and thrill you:
Self-published coffee books of your best curated content

Don’t delay! Every second you send out free content that you haven’t created, you are losing money! With our system, you need never push that retweet button again without getting enough money to fulfill your dreams!

For information, send $200 to SocMedCur@$$$$$DOUGH.CURATE.MONEY.KEYS.RIGHT!NOW.ARPA.NETNET#port:-9000 Once your PayPal donation clears, we will be in touch for you to start on the path to WEALTH with only a few mouse clicks a day!

We live in a democracy.

The people elect a party which presents a vision which matches the current desires of the electorate, and that party then goes forward to bring their vision into life.

So why is anyone outraged at the funding cut to SummerWorks?

The Conservative party is one that doesn’t like any inspection of or accountability for its actions. So when they decide that a major Canadian theatre festival should get a funding cut after five years of receiving money, they are fulfilling their vision. Save money. Respect taxpayers. Support “big” art. (Like Mr. Harper playing the piano and singing.)

The official party line is that there are a lot of new artistic endeavours out there, and no one should expect constant funding. Well, if a major Canadian theatre festival can’t expect constant funding, can some collective that meshed in theatre school and wants to create expect any less uncertainty?

Maybe this isn’t a case of vindictive censorship. But that’s going to be the default assumption from the Canadian arts community going forward. And I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for any attempts from the current government to try and soothe those fears.

Ok, the official word is that they can’t afford the rent, so they are going to look for a new space. Phew! I was worried there. Now I’m less worried.

I was shocked to see that there was a “For Lease” sign up in the front window of the Bad Dog theatre last night.

Although I left there a long time ago, I still love what it represents, and don’t want to see an east end theatre close up.

I’m not sure why the landlord is terminating their lease, but in terms of the area, it’s gotten fairly high class over the years, and it might just be a case that he thinks he can extract more rent from a different tenant.

I’ll have to see what I can do to help them (assuming they are looking for a new space).

Producing stuff in this town is expensive. I have the risky option where rent can range from $300 to $1800 a night, to a space where rent is $2400 a week. Doing the math, the seemingly cheap space is actually more expensive, unless I wheel and deal some things into the mix. In which case, they both end up at around the same price.

Well, I still have two more spaces to look at. There’s a space I’ve already seen, but it’s too small for this show (but ideal for another one).

So many ideas and choices. Now to brainstorm and focus.

The dance with the theatres has started. “Hi, I’m phoning about your rates. Can I come by and see the space? You want how much? OK, I’ll be in touch.”
Rinse and repeat.